I want to share the process one of my poems took in editing. “Streaming Stars” was one of the poems I reworked in the Creative Block Busters workshop presented by Lisa Gentile. I’m going to share the original poem, and the thought process behind the transformation it made.
Original Poem
Streaming Stars (original)
Around my shoulders, I wrap the night
As I perch on the mountaintop,
Shivering in anticipation
For the lightshow premiere.
The first light darts across the sky
In splendid and untamed flight,
Followed by more streaming stars,
So brilliant until they disappear.
I do not envy the meteor’s plight–
A light so quickly burning out.
But wishes will be born tonight,
Thanks to their inspiration.
Though the show is over, I delight
In memories of the visual sensation.
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The Problem
This poem uses the form Bref Double. I think I wrote myself into a corner with the form and don’t like the ending.
What does the poem want?
Inspiration – watching meteor shower from mountain top, wanting to catch that moment as I may not experience another; challenge to try a new poetry form.
Senses – feeling the cold, seeing a contrast of light and dark, hearing silence
Tools – Bref Double (rhyme scheme), imagery, repetition of light
Want to catch the moment, so everyone can experience the amazing meteor shower. so beautiful, yet fleeting.
Light and it’s rhymes are scattered throughout, like the falling stars, in no immediate pattern. Fleeting existence of beauty. Still has purpose, wishes, sparking imagination. Contrast between light and dark (around my shoulders I wrap the night, making the experience a part of me).
The Solution
The Bref Double form was a great starting place for me, but I realized it also forced some aspects (such as the final couplet) onto the poem that didn’t work for the theme. One of the patterns I noticed was the repetition of words rhyming with “light”, not just as end-rhymes, but scattered throughout the poem, like the stars across the sky. I changed “brilliant” to “bright” to enhance that more. The theme the poem wants finally popped out at me as I re-read the first line. It’s about making that night a part of me, not just describing the meteor shower. So I moved some lines around and changed the ending to reflect that.
Revised Poem
Streaming Stars (revised)
Around my shoulders, I wrap the night
As I perch on the mountaintop,
Shivering in anticipation
For the lightshow premiere.
The first light darts across the sky
Followed by more streaming stars,
So bright until they disappear.
Wishes will be born tonight.
I do not envy the meteor’s plight–
A light so quickly burning out–
But in my heart they persevere
In splendid and untamed flight.
Publication
The revised poem was included in the Lifelines poetry anthology.
