Stasis
I stared out the window at the bright sunlit world, briefly mesmerized by the slight sway of the tender branches of a young pine and the tall stand of lavender, set to motion by a breeze that was undoubtedly welcome to those outside in the dry desert heat. Sun-baked sandstone and glittering pale granite lined a patio that overlooked the mountains, and a part of me wondered at the knowledge that the metal tables and chairs that bedecked the paved area would be scorching to the touch should anyone try to use them.
I felt weirdly cut off from the world, sitting in a chair that, while it had seemed welcomingly soft when I first sat down, now felt hard beneath me where the fake leather molded to my form. The coolness of the air-conditioned room had been welcome, too, at first. Now, though, I found myself shuddering and thinking almost longingly of venturing outside into the blazing heat of the summer afternoon. I knew that I wouldn’t, though—that there was no way I would be able to bring myself to leave my spot at the low table, open laptop sitting before me so that I could make some pretense at business, waiting. I was waiting for him, just as I would always wait for him, and the thought of it sent a pang through my chest and had me suddenly suppressing tears. Blinking rapidly to forestall an embarrassing episode of public weeping, I quickly turned away from the window, staring blankly at the open document on my computer screen. The contrast between my situation inside and the brilliance of the summer just out of reach beyond the glass was suddenly more than I could bear; it all too clearly resembled the contrast between my current existence and the seemingly-blissful normalcy of the lives of everyone who passed in and out of the building around me. When had I become such a mess? I questioned myself, although I well knew the answer; he was the reason I was here, after all. Waiting. As usual.
Thoughtlessly, I rubbed my arm in an attempt to warm it—whoever controlled the air for this building obviously did not spend much time in it, or was one of those strange folks who prefers to wear a sweater indoors even during the hottest desert summer—and winced when my hand brushed too strongly against a nearly-forgotten bruise. “Fuck,” I whispered the word beneath my breath, then instantly flushed in embarrassment, checking furtively to be sure that no one had heard me—speaking aloud to myself as I sat in my little corner would be bad enough, but cussing … I reddened further, and had to force myself to take a few deep breaths.
No one was looking towards me, and there weren’t that many people around anyway. The university was sparsely populated, most students choosing to take a break rather than continue to study over the short summer semester. Further, it was a holiday weekend—most students and faculty would be home preparing to celebrate Independence Day. It felt as though I was a part of a small, exclusive club of those whose lives so revolved around the university as to have no reason to ever be anywhere else. Or, rather, I wished that it could feel that way—I felt far too isolated, and too aware that I was no longer a student myself, to feel comfortable the way everyone else appeared to be. It felt as though ever since I had graduated, I had a sign pasted to my forehead that warned people that I didn’t belong; it was with wistful nostalgia that I remembered the days when I felt comfortable anywhere and everywhere on campus, no matter the day or the hour—when this place had been school, workplace and home.
I glanced again at my watch, although I knew there was no real reason to do so—after all, there was no set time he would arrive; he would get here whenever he was done, and no sooner. Nonetheless, I kept checking the time—appealing to watch, cell phone, and laptop alternately—it wasn’t as though I really had anything else to do. Although, even that was a lie. There was plenty that I could—and should—be doing; I simply couldn’t bring myself to embrace those few activities that I could accomplish while I waited for him.
Trying to convince myself my shudder was solely the result of the cool air blowing down on me, I shifted in my chair and crossed my legs, the cold air striking unpleasantly against the back of my thigh where I had grown sweaty from sitting for so long. Smoothing my slacks along my legs, I tried to focus my attention on the work that awaited on my computer. The blinking cursor in the open document seemed to taunt me as I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard. With an inward curse, I again gave up. Giving myself empty assurances that I would be able to do it later—there was plenty of time, my mind just wasn’t in the right place—I sat back and once again settled into staring out of the window, this time hardly seeing the bright colors of the plants set against a clear blue, sun-washed sky.
I felt weirdly cut off from the world, sitting in a chair that, while it had seemed welcomingly soft when I first sat down, now felt hard beneath me where the fake leather molded to my form. The coolness of the air-conditioned room had been welcome, too, at first. Now, though, I found myself shuddering and thinking almost longingly of venturing outside into the blazing heat of the summer afternoon. I knew that I wouldn’t, though—that there was no way I would be able to bring myself to leave my spot at the low table, open laptop sitting before me so that I could make some pretense at business, waiting. I was waiting for him, just as I would always wait for him, and the thought of it sent a pang through my chest and had me suddenly suppressing tears. Blinking rapidly to forestall an embarrassing episode of public weeping, I quickly turned away from the window, staring blankly at the open document on my computer screen. The contrast between my situation inside and the brilliance of the summer just out of reach beyond the glass was suddenly more than I could bear; it all too clearly resembled the contrast between my current existence and the seemingly-blissful normalcy of the lives of everyone who passed in and out of the building around me. When had I become such a mess? I questioned myself, although I well knew the answer; he was the reason I was here, after all. Waiting. As usual.
Thoughtlessly, I rubbed my arm in an attempt to warm it—whoever controlled the air for this building obviously did not spend much time in it, or was one of those strange folks who prefers to wear a sweater indoors even during the hottest desert summer—and winced when my hand brushed too strongly against a nearly-forgotten bruise. “Fuck,” I whispered the word beneath my breath, then instantly flushed in embarrassment, checking furtively to be sure that no one had heard me—speaking aloud to myself as I sat in my little corner would be bad enough, but cussing … I reddened further, and had to force myself to take a few deep breaths.
No one was looking towards me, and there weren’t that many people around anyway. The university was sparsely populated, most students choosing to take a break rather than continue to study over the short summer semester. Further, it was a holiday weekend—most students and faculty would be home preparing to celebrate Independence Day. It felt as though I was a part of a small, exclusive club of those whose lives so revolved around the university as to have no reason to ever be anywhere else. Or, rather, I wished that it could feel that way—I felt far too isolated, and too aware that I was no longer a student myself, to feel comfortable the way everyone else appeared to be. It felt as though ever since I had graduated, I had a sign pasted to my forehead that warned people that I didn’t belong; it was with wistful nostalgia that I remembered the days when I felt comfortable anywhere and everywhere on campus, no matter the day or the hour—when this place had been school, workplace and home.
I glanced again at my watch, although I knew there was no real reason to do so—after all, there was no set time he would arrive; he would get here whenever he was done, and no sooner. Nonetheless, I kept checking the time—appealing to watch, cell phone, and laptop alternately—it wasn’t as though I really had anything else to do. Although, even that was a lie. There was plenty that I could—and should—be doing; I simply couldn’t bring myself to embrace those few activities that I could accomplish while I waited for him.
Trying to convince myself my shudder was solely the result of the cool air blowing down on me, I shifted in my chair and crossed my legs, the cold air striking unpleasantly against the back of my thigh where I had grown sweaty from sitting for so long. Smoothing my slacks along my legs, I tried to focus my attention on the work that awaited on my computer. The blinking cursor in the open document seemed to taunt me as I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard. With an inward curse, I again gave up. Giving myself empty assurances that I would be able to do it later—there was plenty of time, my mind just wasn’t in the right place—I sat back and once again settled into staring out of the window, this time hardly seeing the bright colors of the plants set against a clear blue, sun-washed sky.
